snowboarding guide for idiots

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Snowboarding Guide for Idiots

So you’re thinking about trying a new sport, and self-lobotomy just wasn’t “extreme” enough? Well, this may just be the sport for you. Strap in and let’s go for a ride!
Know your quarry:

True snowboarders exist on a closely monitored mix of Red Bull and Marijuana. This dulls the pain while attenuating higher brain functions, allowing them to hurl themselves down the side of a mountain on a skateboard with no wheels while sounding exactly like Keanu Reeves. Further, they eschew words like “Left” and “Right” in favor of the more colloquial “Regular” and “Goofy.” If you are to fit in with this group, it’s best to hide your intelligence. By way of example, a true snowboarder would not understand this paragraph.

Learning How to Fall

It seems simple enough, don’t you think? We’ve been falling since we learned how to stand up. Before that, actually, but who’s counting? There are many special considerations and potential injuries to be enjoyed when snowboarding.

Notes on falling: When falling off a snowboard, it is best to fall flat on your back rather than simply sit down. Sitting down at high speeds will bruise your tailbone. Laying down will result in a concussion. Remember the Red Bull and Mary Jane. Rule to live by: If you’re high enough that your body thinks you have a concussion before you even get on the chair lift, the real one you get from bashing your head on the side of the mountain won’t hurt so bad.

It’s best to have a basic idea of the sensations you’ll be experiencing during your day on the mountain. A basic training regimen is outlined below, and should adequately prepare you for your first snowboarding experience.

Exercise 1 of the Snowboarding Guide for Idiots

Step 1: Stand on the roof of a car while your friend drives at approximately 340mph. This will simulate the feeling of flying down the mountainside.

Step 2: Jump off the car into the dirt on the shoulder. In order to make the experience more accurate, try to land directly on your tailbone. Note, that falling in the dirt instead of the asphalt roadway will simulate the relative softness of the snow.

Exercise 2

Repeat Exercise 1

Exercise 3

Locate a brick wall. Sprint directly at it as fast as you can. Do not allow your hands to come up in front of you. Your face should directly absorb the impact – remember, you’re in training. What are you crying for? Don’t worry, a good plastic surgeon can fix that.

Variation on a theme: Put your hands out directly in front of you while running at the wall. Allow your arms, preferably your wrists, to absorb all the energy of impact. Again, remember – you’re in training. Stop crying, it’s only a little compound fracture.

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